Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in didipaymyrent's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Saturday, March 5th, 2005
7:47 pm	oh well. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
3:25 am	these are my transgressions and regrets. these are my fears. this is my mouth all full of belly blood and my gums feeling like rawred meat. even now, I am still afriad of her. when we were parked the other day (by the way, freakishly close to where we parked the night of the rapture show when I begged you back) and you called her on my phone, I was fucking afraid. i coudlnt believe you said my name to her. oh how she must hate me. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 6th, 2005
10:19 pm	I could be a murderer, but I will never know. She has started leaving little notes when she leaves in the morning. I will collect them all. I send the pictures we take to my mom. I kiss her cheek and she smiles. I hook my left arm around her hip. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
4:19 am	tomorrow should be interesting. woo. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 18th, 2004
4:14 am	attn: everyone stop loving me. I am terrible at loving back. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, December 3rd, 2004
12:37 pm	while the idea of her moving in so close scares me, it also somehow makes me happy and comfortable. I am not an adult in any sense of the word. I still resign myself to uncomfortable and awkward fantasys about walking, hand-in-hand, from my house to her's. drunk, but not too, and falling asleep forever. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 4th, 2004
12:46 pm	i had a life affirming talk with the garbage man today he said, "believe in me. i take the trash away." (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
1:01 am	simplified signs/lexicon when the warm wind blows through the corridors and tiled walls there you are, the mad guardian of your empty room your memories are tortured by the sin of ocean through the halls and where was I, the one the that you loved best? now show me how to hold the knife that cuts the page, to crucify weakness and the guilt i use for faking strife and I remember: I crawled naked across the broken stage and there was I, the child that brought us shame. so walk across the blood red ocean stand above the broken glass and concrete towers and here i sleep, some guardian of my empty room and now i've become the child that neither of us knew. thank god you'll never know the things that ive done thank god you'll never see the person ive become (Comment on this)
12:45 am	we're back to this. i'm back to desperately wanting to get the fuck out of here; to run away. im going to run away and it is your only chance to come with me. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 21st, 2004
2:07 am	There is something unbelieveable happening, somewhere. Not here, though. Here I am all stuffed up and there is this huge disparity between how tired my body is and how tired my mind is. Who is a terrible judge of character? Not me. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 13th, 2004
2:51 am	I am not at all happy. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 7th, 2004
4:06 am	well, that was pretty good as far as first dates go. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 1st, 2004
1:53 pm	I almost died. We were going 60 in a 25 and trying to get around traffic and there was a parked car in our lane. He slammed on the breaks and everything locked up and he bounced up the curb and missed the car by a few inches. She wrecked her car yesterday and tells me that it is lonely and cold and together we came up with a good lie. In reality she had been drinking Mimosas since like noon and by the time the debates rolled around, she was too drunk to drive. At some point in the evening I was more concerned with the six foot bong than I was with the debates. Those kids are goofy. Life is fun. We get drunk, all of us, and sing Magnetic Fields songs on our living room floor. Everyone tries to hit the low parts but only Paul can do it. Tyler gets mad because I throw cards and do magic tricks. Everyone dones handstands out in the yard. Jane magazine takes photos. Fall is so beautiful. My down comforter is blowing feathers into the air and the fan carries them in little pockets of swirls. We're getting cold around here and we're learning to love life and not think of ourselves as dangerous or damaged. There are so many wonderful things and everything is so fucking bittersweet because of it. Life is impossible and I love it. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 24th, 2004
3:33 pm	friends only (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 12th, 2004
12:33 am	p.s. i hope you get everything worked out. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
10:18 pm	fragments: 1 Nor was it ever established precisely why this boy decided to devote himself to being able to press his lips to every square inch of his body. He did not read Ripley and certainly it was no stunt. It is not clear even if he viewed the task as objective in the conventional sense. Nor was it any kind of self avection. This was verified. The boy had no coinscious desire to transcend anything. If asked, the boy would simply express desire to touch his lips to every part of his own individual body. He would not have been able to say more than this. Conceits or conceptions of his own physical inaccessiblilty to himself--as we are all inaccessible to ourselves as we can, for example, press our lips to places on one another which we cannot be able to even approach, lip wise, on ourselfs. Or of the boy's complete deteremination, apparently, to pierce that veil of innaccesiblity; to be, in some idiosyncratic way, self-contained and efficient; fully available to himself. These were beyond the range of his consciousness. He was only a child. His mid and upper back were the first large areas of radical, perhaps impossible unavailabilty to his own lips, presenting challanges to flexibility and discipline that occupied a vast majority of his inner life in grades five and six, and ahead, of course, like the falls at a long river's end, lay the unimaginable prospects of achieving the back of the neck, the 8 centimeters just below the chin's tip, his skull's back and crown, the ears, nose, eyes as well as the paradox of the lips themselves, accessing which appeared to be like asking a blade to cut itself. These sites occupied a near mythic place in the overall agenda. The boy revered them in such a way as to place them almost beyond the range of coincious intent. The boy was not by any means "a worryer" but the inaccessibility of these last sites seemed so radically titantic that it was as if their cast shadow fell across all the slow progress that occupied his 12th year alive, darkening the entire project--being shadows the boy choose to see as a somber dignity rather than any sort of futility or pathos. He did not yet know how, but he believed, as he approached puberty, that his head would be his. He would find a way to access all of himself, in the end. He possessed nothing that anyone could ever call doubt, inside. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 2nd, 2004
3:15 am	1. Last Saturday 2. Night 3. At the Party 4. Kelly 5. Sitting 6. Facing that 7. Violet Tree 8. Staring at me 9. I'm Getting Closer 10. She Stands up 11. Carresses 12. My Face 13. I'm Happy, She Said P.S. I completely forgot about my crush on Catherine Keener. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 30th, 2004
5:19 pm	i'm the window, you're the brick went to a rich girls' lake house last night. got lost trying to find it, ended up getting to blair the wrong way. gated community. it was easy to get in; we followed some assholes. got lost in the cabins and pulled into the wrong house. greeted by a hot girl in short shorts who was very upset. ate some hippie lasagna and some bread. didn't drink any port wine, seemed too sweet. drank most of my six pack within 30 minutes and got pretty drunk. drank some old style later. talked at length with Drew about utter bullshit. drew is handsome. drew's girlfriend is pretty. she seems young and made an excuse as to why she drove such a high-priced car, said its not just a Libery, it is the Freedom Editon. Vince smiled a lot. Brett told stupid jokes and Grant was down on himself about something. Andy and Jackie there, but not saying much. Nikita's last night in omaha, didn't get any mushrooms. Hitting on the homely girl? couldn't tell. maybe it is just Nikita. Met a few new people, none were all that interesting. there was something moving in the pool. the pool was not filled. people said it was a rat. everyone tried to get a closer look. people shouted for a flashlight. pool owner (Kathy?) turned on the pool lights and it was a chipmunk. drew wanted to catch it but everyone said no, dont, the sucker has got rabies. the chimpmunk's back was gross, looked like a snake's skin. drew hopped down and chased it around. i gave drew the pool cleaning net. drew chased the thing up the walls of the pool. it couldn't make it up and kept sliding down the sides and into the murky water that'd collected at the pool's lowest point. i felt bad for the thing, getting all wet and scared. finally, drew picked it up by the tail and set it in the net and set it free. everyone cheered. everyone got drunk. everyone got high. vince was feeding cheese balls to people with an icecream scooper. cheese balls got brought outside, hidden, then brought back outside. focus turned from pot to the cheese balls and everyone played cheeseball-mouth catch. chris h showed up and we left. (Comment on this)
2:06 am	dosage: 380mg of dextromethorphan ingested in a 20 minute timespan w/ 12oz of water. 10:12 - felt dizzy standing. 10:17 - read label w/ mild difficulty. thinking mostly about logging the event. not thinking of much else. thought to turn off my phone--didn't want to be bothered by anything. 10:22 - photo 10:39 - effects mild. ingested two more pills (30mg). 12:40 - here we go! very dizzy now. stomach slightly upset. dark rooms are fun. lights are fun. mild hallucinations. loud noises are more & more frightening. air flow from fan feels very calming but if i dont focus on a body part, ive lost it. Music is wonderful. Sometimes, I feel as if I am floating. Conversation w/ alex on porch felt very long. High is waning w/ nausea. If i stay still, it receeds. I feel placated. Now I feel happy. Now I feel sad. I want to float in liquid the same exact temp. as my own body. 12:54 - photo 1:01 - certain noises are terrible/ distorted. Getting visuals if I stare for long enough. air feels cool and right. I can feel the heat the motor from my fan is generating on my toes because my toes aren't within the blasts' radius. I feel jealous. I can feel the drops of sweat on my forehead borne. 1:39 - can't seem to reproduce images/ occurances in my head. was able to change my face to another face once, but couldn't do it again. stuck w/ something random now. 2:01 - photos 2:15 - I want this forever. I want to up the dose. I want to sleep. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 29th, 2004
2:59 am	a rough six months It has been a rough six months. I'd say I am at least able to call it the roughest of my life thus far. I can feel myself drawing back when I shouldn't. I should be out every night now. I have no job. It was my choice to quit so I could do this, but I haven't done anything. I am lonely. I hate being lonely. (1 Comment |Comment on this)